What Would Daria Say?

People ask women dumb questions.  Extremely annoying dumb shit.  Like the summer after my freshman year when I went to open a checking account.  The woman at Bank of Satan, I mean Bank of America, asked me not what my major was, not how college had been, but did I have a boyfriend?  Having just come off a stinging breakup as this was the second year in a row I got dumped two weeks before my birthday, this really smarted.  “No,” I reluctantly answered.  Missus-perky-blonde-with-a-still-enviable-bosom-despite-her-years gave me a quizzical look and asked, “Why?”

Why?  How the fuck should I know WHY?  “I don’t know,” I replied sullenly.  She kept looking at me as if this lack of boyfriend status did not compute in her brain.  Judging by the rock the size of a decent asteroid on her left finger, I guess it wouldn’t.  People told me, “Oh she was just surprised because you’re so beautiful and smart!”  That made me feel worse, like there must have been something deeply deficient in me to override the pretty/smart thing.

I should’ve said, “None of your business.”  Or, “This is pertinent to opening a checking account why?”  “I’m not interested in getting my MRS degree.”  “I’m actually deeply misanthropic and hate people.  I don’t have friends either.”  But instead I just took the bullshit.

Having recently been pregnant, I experienced my fair share of idiot questions.  Friends in similar circumstances have also been victim to what I call the “asshole question.”  It seems to be part of the feminine existence through all phases of our lives.  What makes people think they can pry so?  As one pregnant friend said, she’d never tell someone their butt was huge.

I’ve been watching old Daria cartoons lately.  The ever witty sardonic teen never minces words.  What would Daria say?  Here’s how I imagine it would go.  Be sure to imagine the question being asked in a cloying manner.

MTV's Daria Morgendorfer
MTV’s Daria Morgendorfer

Q: So do you have a boyfriend?
A: Knuckles loves me so much he bought me a ring made with the tooth of a guy he beat up in the bar.  I can’t wait until he gets out of prison.

Q: Why don’t you have a boyfriend?
A: The fraternity pool is not chauvinist enough for my taste.  I just can’t respect a man who doesn’t insist on my subservience.

Q: When are you two going to finally get married?
A: I have to off the sister wives first.

Q: So when can we expect the baby?
A: Once I’m off probation with CPS.

Q: You are SO BIG!  Are you sure you’re not having twins?
A: You’re right.  I’m sure the technician and radiologist made a mistake with the detailed 3D ultrasound.  I’ll defer to your extensive expertise.

Q: Are you sad you’re not having a boy?
A: Oh don’t worry.  We can have the surgeon perform elective sex reassignment surgery once she’s born.

Q: 3 KIDS?  Don’t you know how that happens? (insert wink.)
A: Well I attempted asexual reproduction but that wasn’t nearly as fun.

Q: 3 KIDS?  Don’t you know how that happens?  (insert wink.)
A: Why don’t you explain it to me?  In great detail.

Q: 3 KIDS?  It’s called birth control you know.
A: Well we have to outpace the idiots to prevent the downfall of the human race.

Q: Have you gone through The Change yet?
A: Every full moon.

Q: You’re such a cute little old lady!  What’s your secret?
A: Ingesting the hearts of small orphaned children.

6 thoughts on “What Would Daria Say?

  1. “The fraternity pool is not chauvinist enough for my taste. I just can’t respect a man who doesn’t insist on my subservience.” I will find a way to use this somehow in real life. Hopefully today.

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  2. Our neighbors Tom & Terri (Tom & Jerry as I like to think of them and new to us as we only moved in a little over two months ago) chatted us up one day while we worked in the garden. They are an older couple and asked how long we’d been together and after declaring it was just over a year Tom looked at my partner and intimated it was about time he asked me to marry him, gesturing at his own ring finger and noting mine was empty. “This is our first time living together, we’ve got time,” I said. “Sure you do,” Tom said and then proceeded to ask how old were were. When we told him, he tsked, waved his hand across the air and declared, “I’ve got shoes older than you.”

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  3. I just got back from a work trip where I was REPEATEDLY asked by my coworkers (male and female) if I was getting married (my boyfriend and I have been together for awhile now). When I said we didn’t have plans to, I was then asked “But why?” or given sad looks like I was deserving of sympathy…. very weird.

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  4. SO flaming demeaning. Even when I have to check off the Mrs or Miss or Ms on applications/forms…. WTF difference does it make if I’m married or not? Dudes always get to me Mr no matter what! *urg*

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