Miss Madame tackles that f-ing beast.

Dear Groom’ed Readers,

Of late, I have received a positive MOUNTAIN of mail concerning a variety of nasty topics that, one and all, fall under the same category. Without further ado, allow me to introduce (ta-da!) a new recurring segment : It’s Feminism’s Fault! your Lady Bible of strategies to BATTLE that repulsive three-headed vermin we know as the f-word (before it infiltrates a girl’s life without so much as a by-your-leave!) Get out your cosmetic wands, ladies—we’re about to work some magic!

Dear Miss Madame,

My kids are fat. I know I shouldn’t say things like that about my own critters, but there’s just no other way to slice it. We may be living in France, but goodness knows the American appetite came with us when we moved. They’re part of a terrible, awful, horrible statistic, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve tried packing healthy lunches for them before I head off to work, but they REFUSE to eat anything that doesn’t come with fake cheese, brownies, or a bun. Trust me, I’ve tried.

As a mother, this is depressing. I’m sure you understand why. Miss Madame, can you please give me some helpful hints about how to make my expat kids eat healthier? Sincerely, Down in the Junk

Dear Junkie,

Who can say it even better than my dear self? Oh, yes. Ahem. A doctor:

Dr. Colin Waine of the US National Obesity Forum has certain ‘things’ to say about women and jobs and babies. He says he does “not wish to condemn these women but I do think the priority has to be the health of the child and its continued health into adulthood.”  Other medical gurus from UCL and GOSH (<–cute!) say that “Long hours of maternal employment, rather than lack of money, may impede young children’s access to healthy foods and physical activity.”

AMEN, Doc!

Dear Junkie, you mentioned a ‘job’ that you’re running off to after slapping together a lackluster lunch for your neglected wee angels. I have a little inkling at how good this ‘job’ of yours is for the health of your first priority—your children. (And for the happiness of your first second priority—your husband. Mais, I digress…)

You see, Junkie, when we ladies breathe life into darling munchkins we’re obliged to get rid of certain things. Way, waaay before falling pregnant, a woman is really best advised to give up:

  1. Her identity—this makes it so much easier later on!
  2. Her time—ditto!
  3. Excess weight. Because if you’re fat, you’re making your baby fat. (No offense, but it’s kind of all your fault. Chin up, dearie!)
  4. Her personal health (cause those sweet fetuses will suck you dry like adorable little vampires, my poppet! As any ‘real’ lady knows, Twilight was just a teensy exaggeration of the ‘real’ McCoy! So goodbye, hair and dental health! Hello, varicose veins and hernias!)
  5. All the things she loves, like cappuccinos, painkillers, chardonnay, and stilettos (dear Junkie, this is just a little practice for the belt-tightening years when you send your sons to college.)
  6. Her job. Because mothers with jobs have fat children. 1+1 = obvious.

Just remember: “The modern ladette culture is not quite what the strident feminists of the Seventies had in mind. Both Germaine Greer and Fay Weldon have spoken out against such male impersonation.”

Shed your misguided trappings, dear Junkie! Your kids are not fat because of the world’s disconnected dietary habits or an international capitalist plot to create food from nothing but cheap sugar, fillers, additives and processed oils—it’s because you have a job, silly goose! Get back in the kitchen—your kids’ happiness (and their figures!) depend on it. Until Next Time,

Miss Madame

image credit Taylor Erwin

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