MAMMARY OVERLOAD GETTING YOUR GOAT?
Miss Madame Says: lie back and think of Balenciaga!
Dear Miss Madame,
When I told everybody I was moving to France, people who knew better warned me. They said that French people smell bad, chain smoke, drink shots for breakfast, hate Americans, and like their commercials full of naked people.
So far, so true. And so far, I’m a little disappointed. See, when they told me there would be “naked people” “everywhere” “even on the subway ads” I was kind of looking forward to seeing a bunch of hot, half-dressed Gallic menfolk trying to sell me a pack of cigarettes and an extra-large bottle of eau de cologne.
And now I’m really pissed. Last night, when I was eating my seventh baguette of the day and drinking my ration of the red stuff, I amused myself by counting the number of boobs on TV (as opposed to the number of glistening Gallic pectorals).
Out of seventy-nine commercials about everything from cars (wet boobs), portable telephones (boob-slip catastrophe!), frozen pizza (warm and toasty boobs), beer (bouncy boobs), and chocolate (boobs enrobed in brown silk), I saw NOT ONE PAIR OF PECTORALS.
Dear Miss Madame, should I pack my bags? Head home? Or is there hope yet for a randy young américaine looking to shed her Puritan past?
SORELY DISAPPOINTED and TIRED OF ALL THE BOOBS
Dear Sore Boob,
Duckling, both my breasts and I feel fully ‘entitled’ to say we’re sorely disappointed in you–for spending your precious time in this glorious country watching TV and counting boobs!
In spite of my deep disapproval, I consulted my reservoir of rich life experience, hunting for answers. Why are there more boobs on TV? The answer is simple!
Women are naturally more attractive than men, silly!
Et voila! Everybody likes looking at naked women–including women! Because men looking at naked men? Well, we all know where that leads.
Yes, kitten, you guessed it. Men looking at men = men being reduced to the floppy parts of their sum. Heaven forbid!
Just to fact-check my reservoir of rich life experience, I spent a few productive hours piercing the mystery of mammarial popularity. And (thanks to you, sweet Boob!) I found a brilliant witticism I so dearly wished I’d penned myself. Oh, delicious jealousy!
“Breasts have spawned not only their own film and plastic surgery industries, but also their own restaurant chain (take that, testicles!).”
First of all, I just LOVE the idea of not only vaginas but also BREASTS giving birth (or “spawning”!) things. Blows my bitty mind to pieces.
And to think that boobs are such an ‘essential’ instrument in my other favorite thing, capitalism! Because according to a study:
“Men like looking at women’s large breasts. For extended periods of time. Although, in dudes’ defense, ‘women also seem to view other women as objects.'”
Seriously! The only thing everybody (including you, cupcake!) likes more than staring at a pair of boobs is staring at a pair of boobs trying to sell you something.
Until next time,
image credit Taylor Erwin