Andreas Block is a young transfeminine writer based in the Chicagoland area, pursuing a BA in Creative Writing at Beloit College. They enjoy exploring a wide range of genres in their writing, from poetry to sketch comedy. They are also a performer, having acted in a number of theater productions throughout their collegiate career.

Kid Pat

Have you heard tell the tale of Pat,
the priesthood’s high top brass?
The bards, Kid Pat they call him now
the quickest shot in mass.

Six-shooter sitting on his hip
and flasks of holy water,
he wandered ‘round Good God’s green isle
ere the Anglo’s slaughter.

One day as he perched in the pub,
a lad came from the hills,
and said, “Kid Pattie! Me daddie,
Kid Pattie! Devil! It kills!”

Kid Pat, he said, “What bastard done ‘im?”
“A snake!” the lad got sayin’.
“Fecking Christ! Lad, hold me whiskey!”
Kid Pat then took to prayin’.

Three days and nights Kid Pat prayed,
for a gold gatling gun
and Gracious God, he gifted it,
“Slay them snakes, my son!”

Kid Pat filled every damned snake
with a belly fulla lead.
Addlers, pythons, rattlesnakes.
Pat shot ‘em all stone dead.

Then Pat returned to the pub
and all the village folk,
they showered him in praise, saying
“Kid Pat, a saintly bloke!”

So now there ain’t none that slither.
Though joke is on Kid Pat;
cause with the snakes all underground,
what beast will eat the rats?